April 2, 2010

My Cross This Lenten Season

                “I just finished taking my bath when I heard a knock on the door. When I opened it, I saw him standing and questions seems to bother his mind. He asked me in high tone voice why am I not yet ready and fix myself to work.  I let him in and hurriedly walk to the room to change my clothes and fix myself. I knew there was something wrong. Things were little complicated with us this past few months. I can barely walk and talk and I don’t have any idea where am I getting the strength to live each day that passes by, same for him but more difficult for me I guess. I sat beside him in the sofa. In a low voice, I asked him to punch me instead of betraying me and hurting my feelings, making me live a life like a hell every day. He refused and told me instead to do it to him. I don’t want to hurt him and causing him pain would hurt me to death. He set his left shoulder unto me so that I could punch it. I did it to release the pain that is raging inside my heart until I just realized that he is then sitting near the door, I don’t know how we headed there. After that, he stood-up and yelled at me. I still cannot imagine he got to the point of yelling at me. He is not that person I used to know. I was shocked, confused and hurt that all I could do then was cry. I get my bag so that I could leave for work and won’t let him to drop me by near the jeep station, but suddenly I felt a pain on my right fist, the one I used to punch him. My hand was swelling and I could feel that a part of it was broken.  Then, he looked at my hand, he get my handkerchief and wrap it around my hand…..AND THEN, THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I WOKE UP CRYING, ONLY TO REALIZE THAT, IT WAS JUST A DREAM….!”

I jumped over to my closet and grab my towel. I wanted to be ready as fast as I could because I don't want to stay long in the house. On my way to work, I noticed bunch of people walking on the streets and tents where build beside the sidewalks. It was then that I realized that today is Holy Thursday, and people here in the Philippines are doing their yearly penitence. They walk all the way from home to visit 7 churches. I wanted to do it as well hoping that half of my burden would vanish. 

-People are walking carrying cross under the heat of the sun, while I am in a journey through life carrying my own cross of sleepless nights, burdened heart and a seeking soul.

-People are on a pilgrimage to 7 churches while I am on a pilgrimage of getting through the tough times of my life thought. 

-People who built tents near the sidewalks are ready to give water to the passersby who are on their journey while I am silent in my own tent so not to hurt somebody so special to me.

Sometimes I wonder, is it the people or is it  life who is unfair why I am troubled this way. I had done nothing wrong, but rather gave everything I could, always ready to help, to support and give as long as it is within my capability to reach out and yet, I only sow everything in reverse. 

Still in search for the answer which keeps me holding yet there are times I was tempted to give up the fight. I am wondering how I am surviving each day of my life, when I know and I can feel that every part of me was aching, when my eyes want to cry but keeps holding back the tears so that others wouldn't ask why, when my heart is frozen yet melting in the fires of pain.

This is my share of life's serious tests and this is the cross I have to bear. I am only holding on to the promise that one day it will end and I have to learn the lesson......the lesson of sparing something for thyself....the dream I shared above, I promise will never happen in my life. 


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