I took a leave from work today. I am feeling a little better however I woke up with a sad news. The mother of my friend passed away. This incident brought me back to a thought I am trying to escape. I know death is inevitable and our stay on earth doesn't have its certainty.
I don't know if sharing this would be the proper thing to do. I don't want to earn neither sympathy nor pity. I just want to lighten the burden and I hope you bear with me I am this emotional today.
Lately I have been receiving a lot of sweet messages on Facebook, messages on my phone, a lot of phone calls and private messages. I am not ignoring them as a matter of fact I am concerned and happy that somehow these people who are sending this messages didn't stop remembering me. It only proves that the more I am staying away, the more they persevere to see and stay in touch with me.
Before me and my ex separated, he told me that I could still visit his family. He told me that his sisters will always be my sisters and we're still family no matter what because he said he loves me he's just not in love with me. The last few months of our relationship, I spent mostly with his family which drew me closer and closer to them each day while he was nowhere to be found ( don't ask me where, okay). That made us more of like a sibling and not couple anymore.
When we've gone our separate ways, there were family occasions, they invited me in and before I commit, I am giving my conditions, "I don't want to talk about the past anymore".
Things may have been running a little smooth but in every journey there are rough roads. There is one sole reason why I can't stay in touch with the family who accepted me and still loves me. The son is in a new relationship now of which the family is not in favor with. A relationship why ours no longer exist.
I often talk to them to accept it. Accept the relationship and more specifically the girl but no matter how much I would want to, I cannot waive their decision. I did that not to impress anyone, I just want everything to be alright and more so I don't want fingers pointing at me saying I am the reason why she wasn't accepted till now.
The family's reason. "We're not the one to choose who he will end up with. It's his choice and not ours. All what we wanted is to put everything in it's proper place be done in the right manner with no one being hurt. You see, it's more pleasing when you go out and enter with a new one with pure conscience and with no one being stepped in. We don't have any problem if it's not you, but we still wants the best for him". Period, I shut my mouth.
With that I made a decision. I will stay away from them if that would make them accept it. If not then I will no longer be a subject of malicious minds, degrading words and hearth breaking emails.
That decision I made is melting me like a candle with both ends burning. I saw one recent picture of Mama (that's what I call her). I noticed the big difference in her with the last time I saw her personally. She's so skinny and I am afraid to say she's getting old. At the span of the moment, I wanted to run and see her but there's nothing I could do. I don't want to hear the words I heard before for they are so traumatic. Yes indeed! Very very Traumatic.
I wanted to see her and make up for the time I denied and refuse her request to see me. Those traumatic words I heard made me stay away from the family especially to a mother I learned to love as my own.
Now I am more afraid of the fact that she's getting old and I might not have the chance to see her again.