It's not Trick or Treating that I miss

If you want to make me cry, you cannot use this topic to bring tears to my eyes. It's a moment in my life that I for a long time endured and accepted. I poured all the tears the day he bid his last goodbye but a moment I was not on his side.

He was strict but loving. He never failed to bring me a slice of custard cake when he gets his paycheck.  I tagged along when he's going out of town. I accompanied him when he visits his friend. I helped him watched the chickens in the poultry. I watched him cut bamboo trees to make a chair. He let me borrowed his racing bicycle. I am his avid fan when he played  baseball. We strolled town after town pedaling our bicycles. He loves coffee.

On December 15, it will be 10 years since he's gone. I didn't notice it's been that long. Maybe because I am still keeping him and his thoughts alive in my heart. And I know we didn't waste anytime of our time together.

But today is different. I was too emotional which is not usual for me. It maybe because I will not be there tomorrow to light a candle, bring him flowers and offer my prayers. I terribly miss my father.

Life is Short, I need to let this out!

I took a leave from work today. I am feeling a little better however I woke up with a sad news. The mother of my friend passed away. This incident brought me back to a thought I am trying to escape. I know death is inevitable and our stay on earth doesn't have its certainty.

I don't know if sharing this would be the proper thing to do. I don't want to earn neither sympathy nor pity. I just want to lighten the burden and I hope you bear with me I am this emotional today.

Lately I have been receiving a lot of sweet messages on Facebook, messages on my phone, a lot of phone calls and private messages. I am not ignoring them as a matter of fact I am concerned and happy that somehow these people who are sending this messages didn't stop remembering me. It only proves that the more I am staying away, the more they persevere to see and stay in touch with me.

Before me and my ex separated, he told me that I could still visit his family. He told me that his sisters will always be my sisters and we're still family no matter what because he said he loves me he's just not in love with me.  The last few months of our relationship, I spent mostly with his family which drew me closer and closer to them each day while he was nowhere to be found ( don't ask me where, okay). That made us more of like a sibling and not couple anymore.

When we've gone our separate ways, there were family occasions, they invited me in and before I commit, I am giving my conditions, "I don't want to talk about the past anymore".

Things may have been running a little smooth but in every  journey there are rough roads. There is one sole reason why I can't stay in touch with the family who accepted me and still loves me. The son is in a new relationship now of which the family is not in favor with. A relationship why ours no longer exist.

I often talk to them to accept it. Accept the relationship and more specifically the girl but no matter how much I would want to, I cannot waive their decision. I did that not to impress anyone, I just want everything to be alright and more so I don't want fingers pointing at me saying I am the reason why she wasn't accepted till now. 

The family's reason. "We're not the one to choose who he will end up with. It's his choice and not ours. All what we wanted is to put everything in it's proper place be done in the right manner with no one being hurt. You see, it's more pleasing when you go out and enter with a new one with pure conscience and with no one being stepped in. We don't have any problem if it's not you, but we still wants the best for him". Period, I shut my mouth.

With that I made a decision. I will stay away from them if that would make them accept it. If not then I will no longer be a subject of malicious minds, degrading words and hearth breaking emails.

That decision I made is melting me like a candle with both ends burning. I saw one  recent picture of Mama (that's what I call her). I noticed the big difference in her with the last time I saw her personally. She's so skinny and I am afraid to say she's getting old. At the span of the moment, I wanted to run and see her but there's nothing I could do. I don't want to hear the words I heard before for they are so traumatic. Yes indeed! Very very Traumatic. 

I wanted to see her and make up for the time I denied and refuse her request to see me. Those traumatic words I heard made me stay away from the family especially to a mother I learned to love as my own. 

Now I am more afraid of the fact that she's getting old and I might not have the chance to see her again.

I have 2 Fathers, and one celebrated his birthday.

Hi Daddy, this post is late for your special day, sorry I was lazy busy with my work which is getting a bit messy that's why I have to focus. 

I am not referring to my father who is up there in heaven but my brother. He is the eldest and the only boy in a family with four siblings while I am the youngest. As they say, the eldest  heart is closest to the youngest heart. I could say, I am his favorite, or let us assume their favorite. I was born a menopause baby, needless to say, they were all grown up when I arrived. That is a very very satisfying coincidence that made me the apple of the eye of my whole family including aunties, uncles and cousins. I grew up with their eyes focused on me like an eagle. It seems like all my actions are pleasant to their eyes, but I didn't grew up as a brat.  My mother is there to balance it all. What is wrong is wrong and there is a corresponding punishment (just saying).

With the age gap between us, anyone can conclude that he is my father. At an early age, his friends and other people, told me he is father and I grew up calling him "Daddy". Who am I to say no? Children are gullible, right? When he is going to work, he needs to hide so I won't come chase him. He cannot wear his uniform in our house, cause I will scream the loudest cry. 

aren't we such a cutie?

 In all serious thoughts, thank you for everything. All my life it seems like I am grwoing up with 2 fathers (of course, that's our father and you). Like anyone else, you've been so proud with all my achievements and with the 4 of us, I could say we are the childish one. 

I miss pouring cold water unto you when you're taking a bath. The times when I chase you with a broomstick outside the house. The moment you came home drunk before, I told everyone to pretend we're sleeping so no one will open the door for you but you caught me giggling  and in return, you sprayed to me your most nose wrenching perfume. There were nights when I come home from college vacation we sneak out and buy hamburgers and eat them on the terrace. And on my birthdays, you always asks me "Money or Party"  and what do you expect? Of course I go for money.

With my sincerest gratitude for everything,  Happy birthday Daddy.

Belated "Happy Father's Day"

Yes, don't yell at me, I know it was too late! (I suck, didn't I?). I almost jump off the couch last Sunday when I realized that it's already the 3rd week of June. Well yeah, because my father is no longer with me. He passed away when I was 18 years old, but still I want to dedicate this post for him and let me share a few wonderful moments I shared with him.

I grew up from a humble family. I am the youngest in the family and the age gap between me and my sister who came before me is 14 years ( too much of a gap, uhh? - maybe I am adopted, nope, I am a menopause baby). When I was in elementary my father was still working. Name it, he can do it, driver, carpenter, basketball referee, he can also do electric wires - he is certainly the "Jack of all Trade". We also do bike trip together. Maybe that's the reason why I expect boys to know everything because my father can do it. He built  a new house for us when our first house was destroyed by fire in 1990, Then on year 1991, our second house was destroyed again by a volcanic eruption. Too much calamity made me think that I am such a poor and unlucky girl and wished that I was born on a wealthy family. But It's just now that I realized that I was so blessed that I came through that moment with my family because those tough days made me tough. Every time he comes home after work, he always have custard cake in his bag for us which he bought from the local bakery.

At high school, he went through a lot of medications because of heart attack/stroke. That situation tighten the budget and what's worst is that my father's mood changed a lot for the fact that he is not feeling well.

When I finished high school, though it's against my will, I have to go on a distant place to study. We cannot afford the high tuition from the schools nearby so we have no choice. Whenever I am off to go back to school after the vacation he was selling some of his chickens for my pocket money. Until December 15, 2001, a news came to me that he finally surrendered on his 3rd stroke attack. I didn't care for the news but I hurriedly went home only to find out that he is really dead.

That is when I realized I'd better have him hot headed than not to be able to see him again. To all of you out there who still have your fathers with you, spent time with them and make them feel that you love them. Happy Father's Day to all the Daddies..!!! Happy Father's Day to you too!


Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.  ~Gloria Naylor

I'm Dying

Yes, "I'm Dying", dying to go home.....! Gotcha! (Sorry for scaring you guys, I just finished reading an article on how to catch the readers attention  through your post title....FORGIVE ME)

The boss announces that the out of town trip will not be pushed through this weekend due to conflicts on his schedules. The whole gang as expected were sadden by that fact, given that everyone was so excited and looking forward into it. I myself already had visions on how everything would go on. Can you imagine a spree for the weekend after long months of stress and busy days? So refreshing isn't it? What a good way to unload the heavy baggage of our minds but nonetheless, we can't do something about it and the best way is to find for other alternatives that will lighten the mood.

People around here have their own families with them so weekend is not really a big deal and they're looking forward to it. But as for me, alone in the apartment all the time, weekend is not a good time. I just spend the spare time sleeping, reading and watching movies - what a routine! So I was thinking why not go home in the province and visit my family. Taking pictures of the old church in the barrio as well as the river and trees are on my plans too. Going home is something that I look forward to. Family would gather in the house but that would also mean I should have enough money for the transportation and other stuffs. I have enough spare to spend from the last cut-off /paycheck. Next payday wouldn't be advisable because that is the schedule for paying the rent for the apartment. So I am thinking of grabbing the opportunity. It's now or never!!! But that would also mean the bank account will not be fed this time.

this is the old church I am telling you - they are preserving it so I wanted to see the renovations.

If ever I would be able to go home, I would spend the rest of my time there to take some pictures and ponder on things. So guys sorry if I couldn't catch up with your blogs, but I'll bring you some good news on Monday. Enjoy your weekend and happy blogging.